Let's start off with what a people pleaser is.
The definition for a people pleaser:
: someone or something that pleases or wants to please people
: a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires
An alternate definition of a people pleaser:
Samantha Visser
Anyone who knows me, knows I am a total people pleaser. It is probably my #1 character trait. I am the person that listens to you, and if I know you like something I will make it or buy it for you. Do you like blueberry pie? Ok, let me get in the kitchen and whip one up for you. Do you like my homemade cookies? **Cough Rieker cough** I will make you a batch of them almost every time I see you. I enjoy seeing joy in others, especially if that joy was because of me.
I have a good girlfriend who loves Jason Momoa, like LOVES him. Good thing I have zero interest in him, or we may have a fight on our hands. I was browsing through Amazon, as I often do, and guess what pops up? A colouring book of Jason Momoa. What did I do? I clicked buy now. As soon as that colouring book arrived, I brought it over to her. She was so happy, and shocked that such thing even existed. Side note: I also did a search for a Ryan Gosling one for myself but no such thing exists. My cup was full, as Isabelle's teachers say. That moment filled my cup, and made me feel so good about myself.
If we are having a gathering and someone new is coming, I go out of my way to make them feel welcome. In fact, I think that's how my one good girlfriend and I started talking. She was new to the group, so I started talking to her so she didn't feel left out. We ended up finding out we have so much in common and she is now one of my besties. This is just me, I never want anyone to feel left out or upset.
Invite us over for a get together? I will bring at least an appetizer and a bottle of wine, if I have time and ingredients I will also make a dessert. Sometimes I even bring the entire dinner, you know who you are! Hehe. And you can guarantee I will bring an item that someone in the group has expressed they like, because I want to please them. Or someone has a dietary restriction? I will make something that is good for everyone. This is just me.
I do like being this way, I enjoy the feeling I get when I bring joy to others. However, there are some major downfalls with this.
What happens if I didn't please someone, or someone is upset with me? That's where my issues come into play. I never want to hurt anyone, or make someone feel less than because of me. Heck, even if my cat scratches someone (which he does from time to time because he is a grumpy old thing) I feel so incredibly bad. Again, i'm so sorry William. I had no control over him, but I still feel incredibly bad and guilty that it happened under my roof. I hate anyone being hurt, physically or emotionally. Especially if I had anything to do with it. It's just in my makeup.
Now I know it impossible for everyone to like me, I get it. If I know someone doesn't like me, first off it hurts but I also try to make them like me. Why? I know its ridiculous, but that's just me. I feel this need to put myself out there and hope that someone may think differently about me, and if that doesn't happen I get pretty upset. I have learnt in the past little bit that I don't need to please everyone. It just isn't possible. If someone doesn't like me, or put forth the effort that I do why do I even bother? I am beginning to understand this a little better, and not set my expectations as high.
I know I have hurt people in the past, and I am always one to apologize for it, because guess what? I am not perfect, no one is. I have made mistakes and bad judgement calls, this is normal. It's what you do afterwards that shows what type of person you are.
Now with that being said, I have changed in that regard. A few years ago I would have been seen as a push over, as I would say sorry even if I felt I didn't do anything wrong. Today, as the woman I am if I don't feel I did anything wrong I will not apologize. I am not going to say sorry if I don't feel sorry because what is the point of that? Your apologizes don't have any meaning behind them if you say sorry to everything. Over the last year I have found my back bone, and I am so happy about this!
Why am I writing all of this? I was recently accused of emotionally hurting a child with intent. That accusation as brought out a lot of feelings. It has made me question a few things in my life. I am not someone who would have an intent to hurt anyone, physically or emotionally. But a child? Oh no, no freaking way would I ever hurt a child intentionally. Being accused of this really hit me hard, to the point I am not too sure how to react. I cannot believe anyone would think that of me, especially who it came from. I am struggling hard with this. As I said at the beginning, being a people pleaser is probably my #1 character trait. You could imagine how that accusation would make me feel. I pride myself in thinking about others, doing whats best for others. This is who I am. I cannot believe what I was accused of, seriously. Shocked.
When my character is questioned, I am hurt beyond words. Especially if it's from someone who knows me well. I work very hard to ensure everyone close to me, and strangers, feel welcome and important. If that is questioned, I feel so personally attacked.
I'm not too sure how to work through this, I know I will never get over it. This is something I need to figure out myself how to deal with this, and I may not be able to. That is okay. I have control over my life, what and who I allow in it. Time will tell what happens.
As a mother, and I am sure most parents would agree, I am a people pleaser but my #1 people to please are my girls. They have been and always will be the ones I strive to please. This doesn't mean I will hurt others for their own happiness because that's again, not me. But if something they want in life has a potential to not be what someone else would want or hope for, it goes to what my girls want.
Let's say one of them is attracted to another female as they get older, and someone in the family doesn't approve of a same sex relationship. Too bad for that family member, because my children will never be made to feel ashamed of their life choices.
Now, being the people pleaser that I am I would sit down with that family member and have a talk with them. I would explain this is what she wants and I hope you are able to support it. If they aren't there to support her decisions, I will do enough support for myself and that family member. If they are willing to support in someway, I will commend them for it.
This is what I mean by my girls will always come first. Always.
As the people pleaser that I am, I never want to upset or offend anyone. If I ever do, please talk to me about it. I am very reasonable and can usually understand things from the other persons perspective.
Respect is what I give, and I hope to receive the same respect. This is a standard I have set for myself. I deserve the same amount of respect as I give out.
Follow your heart, and what feels right to you. Never let anyone make you feel bad about the choices you have made in your life. It's simply selfish and not fair.
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