“I'm starting to remember who I was, before you convinced me I was worthless”
When you are living in an abusive relationship, it strips away every single part of you. Your personality, your wants, your confidence, sometimes even your relationships. This was very apparent with me, I lost myself completely. I once thought I lost myself when I became a mom, and I do still believe that to a degree. Looking back now, I know most of it was from the abuse I was living in.
It changes you in ways you can’t even begin to describe. It’s something only you can understand if you have experienced it. You just want to “fit in”, don’t stand out in any way possible. Draw zero attention to yourself. Keep everything cool.
This was when I lost myself completely. I lost my voice, and lost everything that brought me joy.
This past year has been difficult, but also the most growth I have ever had in my life, without a doubt. Some of the ways that I've helped myself? There have been many!
Music;
I’ve always listened to music, don't get me wrong here. It is always playing in my house. I did, however, lose the joy in the music. I stopped going to concerts, stopped dancing and singing along. Since becoming single, I have found music again. No, not today's music, I mean music I used to listen to. Ashlee Simpson, All time low, New found glory, Something Corporate (Andrew McMahon) etc. Not only am I going to concerts, I am going alone to a few ALONE. This is something I never thought I would be able to do, but I am honestly so excited. There is nothing like live music!
Myself;
Spending time alone is huge, and not just alone in the house. I mean out, restaurants, movies, concerts. Doing things that I would never have dreamt of doing alone. Going, conquering, actually enjoying it enough to want to do it again. As I write this, I am sitting in my local Chuck’s, alone. I have delicious mozzarella sticks and a cold glass of Sauvignon Blanc. How could this be anything but incredible? I’m also listening to All Time Low from a live online stream I bought! The thought of this would have terrified me just 6 months ago. Now, this is my date night. I take myself out and enjoy my own company. I highly recommend this, single or not.
Appearance;
I dyed my hair back to blonde!! That is huge for me. I have always felt my best as a blonde, but with money and time I just went natural (mouse grey) I’m so thankful for my amazing hair dresser who makes me feel like myself!
Aside from my hair, I have gotten back into fashion! Hello, Shein! Those romper sets are my jam! I am in love with girly, floral, high waisted with crop tops, type of style. I am having so much fun with my style!
My nails are usually always done, because I feel better when they are. I buy the glue on nails, and they work great for me. Last about 2 weeks, and I keep a repair kit with me at all times! These little things make me feel better about myself, meaning I will accomplish more throughout the day.
Confidence;
I have worked tremendously on my self-care, my weight and my fears. I can say these three things have drastically increased my confidence. I am co-chair of my girls school council, this involves events. Events where speaking is needed. In the past, I would hold the flowers (very perfectly, I may add) Now, I am sharing the microphone! Public speaking is huge for me. I never honestly thought I would ever have the confidence to do it, but I did it!
Independance;
Spiders, omg do I hate spiders. The sad thing is when I’m alone, I have to get those spiders. If I leave them, I know they are in the house…somewhere. Not cool, so I get my little ladder, my big wad of kleenex and scream a little inside (not on the outside because that makes the spider move) Most of the time, I get the spider. There have been a couple where they get away, then I scream on the outside!
Being in the house alone is different, it took me a while to get used to it. I would check the locks multiple times and just felt uneasy.
Being in the house alone, there are things that need to be done and fixed. I was gifted an adorable pink tool set by my girlfriends. I use these tools often, for a variety of items around the house. I have fixed a few things so far, and things I don’t know how to do, I ask someone to come help me. Help me. They don’t do it for me, they teach me how to do it so I know for next time. BBQing, I had no idea how to even start the BBQ. I was shown how to do it, and now I can make burgers for myself and the girls. I am learning so much on my own, and showing myself I can do it.
Boundaries;
I set so many boundaries now. With my daughters, and with my friends and family. I don’t want to be treated any other way than with respect, and if you are disrespecting me I will speak up. Something I would have never done before. I would have let you walk all over me, because I just didn’t want to upset anyone. Now, my main person I don’t want to upset? Myself. I always put myself first, no matter what the situation. You may think this is selfish, but I can tell you it has been extremely beneficial.
My healing process has been a long, and difficult one but I honestly believe this is exactly what I needed to experience to be the person I am today.
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