If you want better, then go get it. Don't settle and let it all go to shit. Don't settle for nothing and let it all go. -Calling All Captains
It really is that black and white, right?
It should be, but sadly we add in our own colourful rainbow, full of questions, self-doubts, what-ifs, what will the future hold. The list goes on, and on.
That quote is from a song by a Canadian band, Calling all Captains. It's a song called Chasing Ghosts, I listen to when I'm feeling a little down and questioning my choices. I put it on, and it reminds me you are not meant to settle. You are meant to be with someone who treats you with only respect. This song is a lifeline during my healing (along with Andrew McMahon, his music is staying very close to my heart)
If you are being mistreated you shouldn't settle. Plain and simple.
The issue is, we add in all the colours with our brains, and the stories our brains make up.
A tad history incase you are new here;
I was married to an emotionally and physically abusive man. Now, he didn't start off this way obviously, it was shortly after becoming pregnant the abuse started. I stayed. I stayed for far too long. I let it all go to shit, I really did. Not entirely, because I have made that decision to not settle and show my girls that is not how your spouse it to treat you. I am so proud of myself that I did leave, eventually.
The issue was, I was so worried about all the what-ifs that I allowed that treatment for far too long.
People say often, "If my boyfriend/husband ever hit me, I'd be out!"
You say that because you are not in it. You have no idea the mind games that come along with the abuse. It is a very well-oiled machine the abuse cycle. They know how to make you believe you have done wrong, and are not worthy of anything more.
Let's quickly look at this abuse cycle:
Let's start with calm "the honeymoon phase", because this is where the bond happens. You are gifted lovely items, you are spoken to with respect and love, you are someone's someone. You feel important and loved. They get you under the 'love spell' This is until you get to a specific point where they've got you wrapped around their finger.
Next, the tension builds. Little things are building up in this persons head, making them more and more angry. You might be given the silent treatment as a mind game.
Incident, or abuse, is where they can no longer hold that tension and they blow. Verbal, emotional, physically; whatever releases the most of their tension goes to you.
Now, let's make up. I'm sorry this happened, but it happened because you did this. I will never do it again. And...you believe it. I even got as far with my ex-husband to have a safe word. That didn't work, just made it worse when I said it,
This is the abuse cycle.
So many individuals struggle with domestic abuse, not just women. Men struggle with it also, although it is more common for a female to be on the receiving end of abuse.
No matter the gender, domestic abuse is not okay. Ever.
I cannot even tell you how common this issue is. When I tell people my story, I get a lot of feedback on how women are living that exact thing I left. It becomes far too overwhelming to leave someone when you have so many ties to them.
Let's talk about just the cost of everything now. From a single household, it is difficult with the prices of everything to make it as a single mom. That money stability is enough to want to stay.
Aside from the money, you go through a million questions and concerns; What will happen with the house, the kids, holidays, splitting time etc. I get it, these were all concerns I had too. I can tell you, nothing is worse than living in an abusive relationship. I would much rather change the day I celebrate Christmas with my girls, rather than getting yelled at Christmas morning because he thinks I spent too much. Now, I can spend what I want and not get yelled at for it!
If we settle, we loose ourselves. I know from experience. I allowed myself to let it get to shit, as Calling all Captains would say.
Don't allow this to happen to you. And if this blog sounds like something you are living in, please get out. The abuse only gets worse, way worse. I'm lucky, I only got bruises from my abuse, some people are left with long lasting harm, and even death.
If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, please make a safe plan. This is a plan you have in place if something really goes bad. It could be a code word to someone you trust to alert them you need help. It's having an escape plan. It's ensuring you always have gas in the vehicle incase you need to bolt. Ensure you have your own funds to support yourself and children. Talk to your family and friends. Reach out for help.
I have been able to take my abuse and turn it into as much of a positive as possible. I'm two years since I left my abuser, and I am still broken. It is years of abuse, needing years of repair. I'm in my repair, and I am blessed with my supports during this difficult time.
Domestic abuse is not okay.
Don't settle. Ever
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