There's only two mistakes that I have made. It's running from the people who could love me best and trying to fix a world that I can't change. -Andrew McMahon
I attended a mindful event with a girlfriend of mine, where I spoke to a spiritual guider. Now, I am not 100% I believe in this, but I have to say what was said to me, about me, was pretty bang on. It gave me a clearer picture of how I am as a person.
I was described as an individual with a big glass globe around me. I'm personally imagining The Simpsons Movie where the big dome is placed over Springfield. Picture me as Springfield. Man, I hope I'm not doomed like Homer was.
This glass globe is obviously transparent, you can see in. You see me, what I want you to see, and I can see out. I have the ability to communicate and hold those relationships on the outside of my globe. I might allow a foot placed inside my globe, but be careful because it is glass. If I start to see a crack, I will ask you to put your foot back outside my globe. This is because I am protecting my heart from anymore hurt. This does not mean I am closed to love, but it will take a special person to not place any cracks in my delicate globe.
I don't keep everyone outside my globe, however. After time and trust, I allow certain people completely into my globe. Very few people. These are individuals I can say I truly trust. They are the people I can share my world with and feel unconditional love. My mom is my obvious number one I can be myself around, she has been the center of my globe since 1988. Dad has a cozy chair in my globe, where he is probably watching hockey and giving me little bits of support when I need it. My girls are obviously inside my globe, because well they are my world. They are just like bouncy balls in my globe, constantly moving and full of twists and turns. You know my bestie is in there, Amy entered my globe about 6 years ago. Never any cracks when she put her first foot in, so I allowed her to enter completely. Her husband has been a huge support and never asked for anything in return, he's got his business chair in there. Their three wild boys are in there, and they are teaching me all things Pokémon. Next, is a friend I recently allowed in. I met her through the school, and our children really took to each other. Her, her husband and their four children have entered my globe entirely. It might be totally weird to you, but a musician named Andrew McMahon is in my globe, playing his piano. I have put so much trust into his music, and his music has helped me so much through some really rough times. I know I've only met him as a fan, but this mans music has always be there for me. It's hard to not have a trust for him.
I know in time I will allow a romantic relationship inside my globe, but for now I feel pretty content with who I have in it.
I think my past relationships, and honestly come current relationships, are why I have my walls up. I can trust people from afar, but it is very rare I can trust someone fully. You never fully know someone's intention, and that is a terrifying thing to me. I've been very unlucky in the dating world. Every single guy lets me down, so I push them out. How do they let me down, you might be asking yourself?
Well, story time.
I had a date planned with a very kind, down to earth guy. I was excited, because let's be real, dates are a thing of the past. I had my outfit all picked out, how I was going to do my hair, I was excited! I had received a text from him in the afternoon of my date asking what I was up to. I had a feeling he forgot about the date, so I gave a very chill answer. After awhile, I just simply asked "Did you forget about our date?" I get a reply "Honestly, yes." I can appreciate the honesty beyond relief, trust me I really honor and value honesty. I took a bit to digest this, because well it honestly hurt really badly.
Honestly, this was a trigger for me.
What is a trigger? An emotional trigger is anything — including memories, experiences, or events — that sparks an intense emotional reaction, regardless of your current mood. Emotional triggers are associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
I was always forgotten about, never of importance to my ex husband. When I was forgotten about by my date, it obviously brought back some emotions and memories from how I felt with my ex-husband. I had to take the night to feel my emotions, and move on.
I want someone to not forget about me, I want someone who wants to hang out with me, I want someone who thinks of me throughout the day and isn't afraid to say that. I really don't feel like that's a lot to ask, but in todays world it does feel impossible.
My standards are high, and I don't think that is a bad thing. I know what I want for myself and my daughters, so why settle for anything less than we deserve? I know I will treat whoever I end up with, like gold because that's just me. I am a loving, caring person IF you treat me with respect.
I've asked myself a few times, "Do you want to shatter your glass globe to allow more people in?" And honestly, the answer might be a bit depressing, but it's my truth.
My answer, No.
I don't want to open myself up to others, I like having my glass globe protecting me from all the disrespectful people in this world. I don't mean just romantically either, I don't have time for any relationship that doesn't value me as a person. I am able to keep you outside the glass, clean it off a few times and communicate to you no problem! To actually let you in, that won't happen unless I can truly trust you.
I think we all have some type of barrier around us, offering us protection from being hurt. Maybe you're a glass globe like me, maybe you are a brick wall, possible you have a huge door in your protection barrier. Everyone protects themselves to a degree, we have to. Who you allow in, and how you allow others to treat you is completely up to you.
SS
