Everything Happens for a Reason

I've always believed in that saying "Everything happens for a reason" but I can say over the last few months, I really believe in that saying.

In June, my life changed in a drastic way. I finally put myself and my happiness first, I stopped all the worries and negative thoughts in my head. In June, I ripped off a band-aid I had wanted to rip off for four years. I left my husband.

Due to the respect of others involved, I won't go into too much detail about this. I will say, I was not being treated how I deserve to be treated. I knew for four years I wanted more in a marriage, but I let the fear of being from a broken family oversee the fact that we were living in a broken family.

That is a hard pill to swallow. You are living in a broken family, showing your children what a toxic relationship is. They learn what they see, and if they see disrespect; that's how they will treat their relationships and expect to be treated in return.

Fearing all the what ifs to the thought of leaving takes a forefront to every other thought. What if we can't stay in our house? Where will we live? What school will they go to? What will holidays look like? Birthdays? What if I'm alone foreever? Will my girls be mad at me? What will his family think of me? What if they get a new and better mom? These fears, thoughts, questions; they are non-stop going through your brain. It overtakes and you tell yourself "I will just deal with my marriage issues" Guess what? I eventually couldn't deal with it. I had to just forget every single fear I had and just do it. I had to rip off that band-aid.

This has been the hardest thing of my life, ya more difficult than when I almost died from Pericarditis. It has been difficult in so many different aspects of my life, but the best thing I could have done. I know this now.

I am beyond thankful to have the support I do, this makes a huge difference in ones mental health.

At the beginning, I remember calling my best friend Amy in a complete panic attack. I was in my kitchen, and I could feel one coming on. I called her and within five minutes she was here, calming me down and getting my breathing under control. We packed up mine and the girls items, as Amy told me we are staying with her as I clearly needed to. Thank god for that family. She fed my kids, did our laundry, gave us a place to stay and helped me through all my emotions.

Her husband, Piet (or Beet as Olivia says) has become a huge help with anything to do with the house. If I need something, he is over helping out. I'm thankful for him.

I got gifted with lovely, thoughtful gifts from my big sis. Not to mention an epic IN PERSON Hanson concert, my favourite thing to do with her! That was the best therapy

My parents are always checking in on me and the girls. Offering beyond what I could afford in childcare. My dad helps us with all my electronics, as I have zero idea what I am doing. Thanks for the new clicker dad, still haven't found the old one. My favourite mornings are when my mom comes over with Tim's and we just chat, and she helps me with any housework I have. I'm thankful for my close relationship with my mama.

My mom friends, who are there for a hell of a good time but also there for the hard times. We have amazing laughs together, but we have all had an ugly cry situation happen. I love it though, we can just be 100% ourselves. I am blessed. I really am.

Every single person above, and their families, have been my village during the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. Yes, even Belinda's sister.

When I had these lovely people around me, I could escape some of the thoughts and fears I was dealing with. They couldn't always be with me, I do have to be alone sometimes. That was when things got harder for me. You are alone with your thoughts, and man going through this, there were so many thoughts. My biggest one, why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Shitty thoughts, but as I said this was a difficult time.

When I was alone, I found many things to bring me comfort.

Music has always been a huge part of my life, but during difficult times it becomes my lifeline. That's where Andrew McMahon stepped in. He is a musician that started in one of my favourite punk/rock bands Something Corporate, after that he formed a band Jack's Mannequin, followed by his now own musical adventure Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness. Firstly, he is an amazing person, his music is just a feeling I can't explain. He loves space like myself. I just love everything about him and his music. I find myself listening to him all the time, ya more than Hanson. I love having a YouTube concert of him in my living room! I have a tattoo I want based on his song "Me and the Moon" I'm saving!

I've started walking and doing yoga. Walking while listening to Andrew, has been a huge escape for me! I love doing the stretches in Yoga, I find them relaxing and they also feel soooo good!

YouTube has some amazing, helpful and odd videos. We've all been down that rabbit hole on the odd ones. I found a therapy counsellor that as helped me tremendously. He name is Stephanie Lyn Coaching, and she has been with me every step of the way. I have even re-watched some videos and have seen just how far I have come from when I first watched it. I love having a bubble bath with a hot tea, and just listening to her. I am so thankful I found her channel. She has made my feelings so valid, knowing that your thoughts are normal is HUGE.

In person therapy has also been huge, especially if you find yourself an amazing therapist like I have. She gives me so much to think about, and so much encouragement. I love working with her, for myself.

Getting in the kitchen is a way I can just de-stress, either cooking or baking. I am for sure more of a baker, and would sometimes just find myself in there whipping up cookies without even realizing it. It's a natural reaction to stress.

Self-care has been a ridiculous coping item for me, to a point I am sorry to whoever I do end up with. I am a sucker for my bubble baths, doing my nails, whitening my teeth; it's kind of becoming an issue. In all seriousness, if I feel good about myself, I attract good. I also feel I won't allow anything but good treatment when I feel good.

I have a lot of people and ways to help me through, and although this is not where I saw my life the day I said I do this is exactly where I am meant to be.

I am a stronger person. I am a different person than I was a year ago. I set boundaries. I'm taking more risks (small ones, but needs to be noted) Change is difficult sometimes, and setting boundaries all of a sudden can cause relationships to shift a bit. Feeling secure in yourself enough to speak up so you receive the same respect you give out; is so powerful and beautiful.

Sitting here today, I can say I am the happiest I have been in the past four years. Although life is still crazy, and the girls and I are still adjusting. There are still items I need to figure out, I am so happy. I love who I'm surrounded around, like truly love every single person. I love my girls and the strength they have shown during this life altering situation. Best of all guys, I have an insane amount of love for myself. This is something I can say I haven't had in awhile.

I'm also a strong believer that people come into your life for a reason, I hope to write more on that statement in the near future.

I am so thankful for all the support I have, I love you all!

SS