March 2020, a time in our life we will never forget, ever. Ontario shut down. Our kids were out of school, the stores were out of supplies, and the world was living in fear. A stupid bug (what its referred to in our household) took over the world, and was causing so much illness and fear for all of us.
I remember first hearing about it, and being at my parents with my sister, niece and nephew. My sister told us to not mention this topic as her son was really upset by it. I guess he knew at that time it was going to be such a life changing virus.
At first, I didn't think too much of it. It wasn't in Canada so it didn't effect me. Little did I know, it was going to effect me and everyone I love.
Covid changed everything. It changed our daily routines beyond belief. It changed mental states. It changed work. Literally everything.
As a stay at home mom, I am use to being alone with my girls most of the time. But this was different, much different. This was super hard. They would ask daily to go see grandparents, or their friends. Go to the park, or a play place. Go to the mall. My response every time was, we can't. We can't do anything. We can't, we can't, we can't. I hated always saying no, because I also wanted to do all those things.
But, we just can't.
I usually see my mom 2 times a week, and I was now going without seeing her at all. That was a huge hit for me and my girls. I struggled hard with that. My mom usually comes in the mornings, brings the girls timbits, herself a coffee and me a french vanilla. We just sit and enjoy each others company, it's lovely and honestly some of my favourite moments. Now, we would resort to video chats which never worked properly. She would be frozen, or we would be. It was awful.
Online schooling, let's talk about online schooling for a minute. Wow, this was difficult. I did not become a teacher for a reason, but here I am now trying to teach a little girl who get so incredibly frustrated with everything she does. I really struggled with online schooling. Trying to help Isabelle with her meets, and all her work she gets in a day plus trying to keep Olivia busy was HARD. Olivia loves to run around the house naked, you put clothes on her and she has them off within 2 minutes. I was constantly chasing her around the house trying to keep her clothes on so Isabelle's classmates wouldn't see some kid streaking in the background. What a challenge.
Now we are back to online schooling, yay. Someone please send wine, for the record I love a good white wine.
Family is everything and family gatherings are a must, I love getting together with family. The first gathering was Easter, and well it had to be done virtually. My mom was super upset, because again our family is very close. My sister and I organized Swiss Chalet to be ordered to all of our houses, and we would eat together. Eating the same meal while on the computer together was the best we could do. It went well, and was nice to do, but it just wasn't the real thing.
Justin's brother and his boyfriend live in the city, and his brother has some underlining health issues. They have decided to stay in their condo and not go out. We saw them last summer when things started to open up a bit, and that's been it. I have not seen my brother-in-laws, my girls have not seen their Guncles (gay uncles), my husband has not seen his brother and brother-in-law in forever. This is so abnormal for us. Getting together, laughing while eating delicious food and drinking wine is just what we do. Now, we can't. Now we all have to drink our wine alone, ugh.
Once things started to open up a bit, we made sure to do everything we could...yes probably not very Covid smart but we were all going stir crazy. We would go to the zoo, the beach (our favourite!) different farms around us, camping, friends houses, go to see family. We were getting back into a little bit of a normal life, and I was soaking it all up. All these things were different mind you. You have to book your times for the zoo and farms, keep your distance from others and sanitize like crazy. Get to the beach insanely early so you can get in. The fear of Covid was still there, but we were at least allowed to do all the things we use to do. Things were starting to get a little better.
Now, that changed quickly. Numbers started to rise, and the weather started to get cooler. This meant home bound again. This is when I started to really notice my mental health going downhill, but didn't do anything about it at that time. I just kept living life, with all the daily struggles plus all the Covid struggles.
During all the stay home orders, my husband and I were struggling. Talk about making a stay home order even worse. You are at home, with the same people all the time and you are not getting along. Him and I were fighting a lot, I wasn't sure if I was happy in our marriage anymore. Everything was just so confusing. There were so many emotions, and so many unknowns within the world and our life. It was super hard. Him and I are still fighting more than we should be, and we are really trying to work on it. Covid has had a negative effect on everyone, and I personally feel we all need to really check in with ourselves to see how we are actually doing mentally. If we aren't mentally stable, there is no way our relationships can be healthy. This is where we are at currently.
Now for the difficult moment it hit me...
I will always remember my birthday of 2020. December 15, 2020 was the day I realized I needed to talk to my doctor. Up until this point, I was noticing I was getting frustrated with the girls than usual. I normally have a decent amount of patience with children, but that was quickly changing. On my birthday, I put Olivia down for a nap, when I went in to get her she had taken her diaper off while in bed and threw it on the floor. Her diaper was full of poop, this meant her bed and floor were now full of poop. She was also covered in it. Great, how fun. Happy birthday to me.
In this moment, I was way too overwhelmed. I just started crying and honestly, had a mental breakdown. I first called my husband to come home, because I was just a mess. After that I called my mom, who was in Kitchener as my sister was undergoing another surgery for her cancer (this was probably another trigger for this day) My mom calmed me down, and suggested I make a doctors appointment. I got off the phone with my mom, and called my family doctor right away.
Everything is done by phone appointments now, so he called me back the next day. I told him what was going on, he prescribed some anti-depressants. He told me that he has been prescribing anti-depressants much more over the last year than ever before. Everyone is struggling to some degree.
The first week was SO hard, I was wanting to stop them, they were making me feel so junky. I was talking to one of my good friends about it, who also takes anti-depressants, she encouraged me to stick with it and I will eventually feel so much better. I am so glad I had her to help me through this, because she was right! After that week of feeling so lousy, I started to feel so much better! The side effects from the pills were now gone and I was only feeling the positive effects from them now.
I honestly couldn't believe how much these pills are helping me. I'm wondering why I didn't start taking them sooner, and it hit me. I don't want to be seen as a weak person, or someone who can't handle the stress of her children. I didn't want to give in to the fact that I needed anti-depressants. It is talked about a lot more, but there is still a stigma attached to any mental illness. I didn't want to deal with that. I had to get over that, because well I just wasn't the best me that I could be. I needed that extra help to be a better person, and that is okay. It's not shameful, it doesn't mean I'm a bad mom, or a weak person. The way I feel today vs my birthday, is like night and day. I handle stressful situations much better. I still have moments, don't get me wrong they are not magic pills. But I am able to stay much calmer in those moments, and deal with the situations with a lot more clarity.
This journey we are all currently on is not easy, but there are tools to make it a little more tolerable. Don't be afraid to use those tools.
If you, or someone your know is struggling with any type of mental illness, please do not hesitate to call your family doctor. The world is upside down right now, we are not programmed to be away from loved ones. Do not feel any shame, you got this.
I am also here to talk, if you feel like you need someone. I will always listen.
Take care of yourself, you are worth it
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